Being depressed and autistic sucks.

I'm not really sure what else to say. They are both disorders that make even the most basic of daily tasks nearly impossible, and combined they create a maelstrom of impossibility that hinders even thinking about doing things. Showering more than once a week is a rarity on the scale of being a miracle, and doing anything but following an endless array of distractions is cause for celebration.

This isn't even a case of living one day at a time. It feels like living one hour at a time, or one minute at a time. Planning is an impossible task; simply going outside takes a day of preparation. I am unhirable to my core. There is no way I could survive without benefits, which in itself is cause for enough stress to swamp any normal person.

And as if all that wasn't enough, I'm trans! My life has no chance of being anything but a complicated nightmare with a less than 50% survival rate beyond the age of 30. On good days I can think "At least my suffering won't last forever", and on bad days my depression makes even that iota of comfort blink out of existance. Somehow I can feel, quite literally, worse than death.

I avoided attempting antidepressants for the longest time, just from the fear that they wouldn't work. And guess what, when I made the mental jump to just attempt it, they didn't. My depression tells me I will never be rid of it, and my mind has no choice but to accept that as fact.

I'm not sure why I'm uploading this. I know I probably shouldn't, but at the same time I'm just getting tired of the guilt of disappearing with nothing to say. Why don't I ever create anything? Why don't I ever log onto any social networks? Why don't I write, or draw, or post blog posts? Why don't I make those animated gifs I used to make? Why do I have an endless array of abandoned projects left in my wake? I guess I just wanted this to be an answer to those questions.